Sixty-six

 Peggy,

Yeah, I know. Two months. Yeah. I know. Four times. No, five. 

Sorry. 

So the tour smoothed out. Well, your publisher... She really walked away. I didn't think they could do that, especially at her level. I agree, saying "I'm sorry" is a chicken shit fuck all of you and also for someone at her level, seems extremely childish. I don't condone violence (more on that later), but seems like a movie scene boss gets slapped in the face in real life. I'm glad you didn't. Who am I to say that? I don't know.

I don't know.

You knew. You always knew what needed...no, what we needed, what you needed, what you could give to us (and it always felt like give-to-me...) Always helping. Babysitting in my case.

And this is now going to turn into a session of, "Help me, I don't who I am anymore. Don't know what to do anymore." Remember...no, that's not fair. I went through a time trying to disappear, but by not wanting to disappear, that passive aggressive silence I used for attention. I remember you nearly slapping me for acting like your editor did.

I am doing it to her. How can I do this to her? I ignore, I say nothing, stay away. And she just keeps touching me (no, communicating, haven't even hugged her for, I don't know a week??? SHIT)

I don't know. Never did. You saw something so long ago. And now it's her turn. I hope I slap myself out of it. Soon. I cannot lose her.

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